pen & ink
this is the last vignette for the collaboration between me and alice
. look familiar? like a pencil sketch from earlier...
just a note: i hate how the tree in the background turned out, but oh well. not everything can be perfect.
the deadline on the quilt that we are working on has been moved back & will be entered into a different contest, mostly so she can focus on the one using ken's art. also, because i have only now finished this. mostly becuase i was trying to make it too complex. orignally, amelia and ferdinand would be singing at court, we'd see the king and courtiers in the background. then, i thought about the wilderness, surrounded by her fellow minstrels in the caravan. alice thought i was overthinking it, plus none of the other vignettes has any other people besides amelia and ferd.
the quilt with ken's art is looking great. she has to finish tomorrow so she can get the entry photos postmarked by tomorrow.
go check out her blog to see the progress. i wish i could show it to ken...alice
& i have also been getting ready for cape
. i found a 14x17" portfolio so i can bring the current blue canary pages i've worked on. it just feels strange...to go have a mini-adventure and not be able to tell ken all about it, that i can't call him while i'm gone.
i, myself, am ok to some extent. some days i'm myself again, but i feel guilty when i am. other days, i just seem to mope around. i'm restless and indecisive. i'm so unsure of things that i really can't think too straight. i guess what mostly describes what i'm going through is confusion. i don't know what to do now. i know i'm waking up everyday, doing what i need to, "putting one foot in front of the other," as my mother would say...i just feel a bit lost doing it. *shakes head* it's hard to describe...i can't find the words at times.
most of all, i wish ken was still here with me.
what has been the hardest so far was going to the wedding of my friend, kellie. it's been planned for well over a year i think. i wasn't going to disappoint her, even though i know she would've understood had i stayed at home. everyone, from jocelyncee
to kellie's family were always saying how glad they were that i came, with amazement in their eyes that i did come considering...
and yes, i did cry. especially at the rehearsal...i could feel the tears coming on and excused myself so i would distract everyone. i had a feeling that my tears would draw attention away from the bride, which wouldn't be right since it was her day, not mine. kellie's mom found me and gave comfort. she's really sweet.
why did i go? because i just can't hide from things like this. it's going to hurt, so let's just get it over with now or i may not face it at all. i don't want to hide from things all my life. ken wouldn't want me to do that. i know this.
a lot of times it irritates me when folks say, " it would be what he wanted." how do they know? did they ask?
i know of only a few absolutes from knowing and loving him as long as i did: he wouldn't want me to wallow or to give up, on life and on the things that matter to me most.
but man, no one ever said it would be easy. of course, i never expected it to be, either.
i'll prolly have to go through this all again in july when jocelyncee
gets married, but i wouldn't miss it for the world, either. i have to face my pain no matter what.