bluecanarykit: (too much stress)

journal comic for 2-17-10

I started a journal comic earlier this year, it's called "Flaky."
Journal comics seems to be a dime-a-dozen. so it looks like i'm jumping on the fad bandwagon, but i know that no two journals are the same.
still part of me is screaming "copycat" at myself.

I'm doing it for me-to air things out, to get things sorted in my head.
Not easy to do it in a format where anyone & everyone, provided they are interested enough, can see such details of my life. Oh, i can chose which details i show and when, but hiding things from myself will do no good in the long run.

I'm doing it to open myself up & to help me notice things-it's for my reference, not attention.
It's also to get myself updating something besides my dw and lj regularly; to get myself back into the grove of making a comic.

The art will be much rougher & have elements like my altered books. Partly because it's fun, mostly because if i don't do it quickly, i'll get bored, frustrated and will not update at all.
i know me. it's how i operate.
for example, i had diffculty scanning this one.
it was too big for the scan bed. i hate scanning something into two pieces and putting it back together.
the first scans didn't seems to mesh when i combined them, so it sat around for a month before i rescanned and assembled it together again.

i like just drawing on whatever surface is available with whatever is at hand. The above was done in ballpoint pen on a bank envelope, with 2 pages form a small notepad when i ran out of room. i only used my copic markers at the end to give a bit of color to "my inner doubts".

it won't all be serious-weird mental images and funny little things will get posted too.
plus, i don't know any talking trees wearing suits, but that didn't stop me from adding mr. treehead to it.

right now it's on tumblr-jocelyncee, a.k.a., @jochan1977 is working of the code for iscript to make the nightgig version work.
soon as it does, i'll post links on my twitter and here.

so, if you're interested, here it is.
i will not be posting anymore of the journal comic here-this is for art & sketches only.
updates will be listed on my twitter for flaky.
if you want to/are are interested in my personal twitter, let me know in the comments. if i don't recognize who's requesting access to that one, i usually don't approve it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

the month of makes me feel pulled in two directions.
on one hand, i have the events of march 2006, mom's accident & ken's sudden death.
the other is march 2008, when [personal profile] kotaotan  unexpectedly came into my life and has stayed there.
great sorrow & joy.

just as winter ended, ken's life did, too. he always liked winter.

as a later spring began, my relationship with kev also bloomed.

i've come to realize since ken's death, that i can not be, will not be, a miss haversham type, clinging to what has gone wrong and to the pain...i just can't bear it. it's not me.
i don't see myself wailing about, never changing from what was, except to grow embittered.

i can put the hard stuff inside, put it aside so to speak, and just go, but i'll have to deal with it later, though. that much i've learned.
maybe that's another reason "Flaky" i can actually deal, learn, and grow.
things that would escape my notice, i can go back and see.

x-posted to lj

bluecanarykit: a cartoon of me drawing (Default)
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

pen & ink
finished 4-30-2006

this is the last vignette for the collaboration between me and alice. look familiar? like a pencil sketch from earlier...
just a note: i hate how the tree in the background turned out, but oh well. not everything can be perfect.
the deadline on the quilt that we are working on has been moved back & will be entered into a different contest, mostly so she can focus on the one using ken's art. also, because i have only now finished this. mostly becuase i was trying to make it too complex. orignally, amelia and ferdinand would be singing at court, we'd see the king and courtiers in the background. then, i thought about the wilderness, surrounded by her fellow minstrels in the caravan. alice thought i was overthinking it, plus none of the other vignettes has any other people besides amelia and ferd.

the quilt with ken's art is looking great. she has to finish tomorrow so she can get the entry photos postmarked by tomorrow.
go check out her blog to see the progress. i wish i could show it to ken...

alice & i have also been getting ready for cape. i found a 14x17" portfolio so i can bring the current blue canary pages i've worked on.  it just feels go have a mini-adventure and not be able to tell ken all about it, that i can't call him while i'm gone.

i, myself, am ok to some extent. some days i'm myself again, but i feel guilty when i am. other days, i just seem to mope around. i'm restless and indecisive. i'm so unsure of things that i really can't think too straight. i guess what mostly describes what i'm going through is confusion. i don't know what to do now. i know i'm waking up everyday, doing what i need to, "putting one foot in front of the other," as my mother would say...i just feel a bit lost doing it. *shakes head* it's hard to describe...i can't find the words at times.
most of all, i wish ken was still here with me.

what has been the hardest so far was going to the wedding of my friend, kellie. it's been planned for well over a year i think. i wasn't going to disappoint her, even though i know she would've understood had i stayed at home. everyone, from [personal profile] jocelyncee to kellie's family were always saying how glad they were that i came, with amazement in their eyes that i did come considering...
and yes, i did cry. especially at the rehearsal...i could feel the tears coming on and excused myself so i would distract everyone. i had a feeling that my tears would draw attention away from the bride, which wouldn't be right since it was her day, not mine. kellie's mom found me and gave comfort. she's really sweet.

why did i go? because i just can't hide from things like this. it's going to hurt, so let's just get it over with now or i may not face it at all. i don't want to hide from things all my life. ken wouldn't want me to do that. i know this.
a lot of times it irritates me when folks say, " it would be what he wanted." how do they know? did they ask?
i know of only a few absolutes from knowing and loving him as long as i did: he wouldn't want me to wallow or to give up, on life and on the things that matter to me most.
but man, no one ever said it would be easy. of course, i never expected it to be, either.

i'll prolly have to go through this all again in july when [personal profile] jocelyncee gets married, but i wouldn't miss it for the world, either. i have to face my pain no matter what.
bluecanarykit: a cartoon of me drawing (Default)
the gigcast has created a tribute to ken.

i want to thank everyone once again for their thoughts, prayers and kind words. you guys, my friends, and family are what's pulling me through this.

i miss that goofball of mine.

c, thank you and doug for coming to hospital with me. when the doctor told us the news, i would've fallen on the floor if it hadn't been for you.

[ profile] girlwithoutfear, thank you for being there and for you idea to use one of ken's drawings as a subject for one of your art quilts. i know it will be beautiful.

[ profile] jocelyncee, thank you for being an ear and for driving so far to come. the same to you, becca. i think you closest of all know what i'm going through, since you lost a friend back in high school.

[ profile] glych, thank you for that phone call. it meant alot.

to tim, [ profile] madscott, trantor and everyone at nightgig, thanks for the flowers and your thoughts.

to brad and all of ken's friends from DMI, thank you for the long drive to be here. it mean so much.

to bill, joy, danny, keith and chris, i am so glad you guys came. i'll keep in touch.

i still miss that goofball.

just yesterday, i received flowers from my landlord. they were so pretty. a little while after, i thought, "wait 'til i tell ke-..."
and then i realized that i couldn't.
that's what's been the hardest. losing my confidant, my best friend, the shoulder i normally cry on and warmest and most loving person i've known. and then realizing it all over again when something like that happens. *sigh*

i checked on ken's folks last night. we are all doing as well as expected. i went back to work on thursday because i knew i'd go crazy if i didn't.

ken's sister, krista, had a good idea to create a scrapbook about ken. i think i'll make one, too. i'll be emailing his friends for amusing stories, ancedotes and general thoughts that i can put into it. anyone here who knew him is welcome to contribute.

thanks again.
bluecanarykit: a cartoon of me drawing (Default)
i'm least when i'm not sobbing or raging at the way of things.
last night, ken, my best friend and lover suffered a stroke. there was massive hemmoraging.
the doctors have pronounced him brain dead.
i feel sick. i always told him that i didn't know what i'd do without him-now he's gone.
God, i miss him already. he's only 32. why!!???!?
bluecanarykit: a cartoon of me drawing (Chibi Me - Yay!)
Image hosting by Photobucket
-drawn 11 Feb 2006 -
pencil on paper yay!

i actually got some drawing time in yesterday. 8^) ken was working a bit on In Shining Armor and was trying to think of a costume design for Pyrus. he said he liked what i had Pyrus wearing in the Christmas Present i gave him, so i drew up a version for his reference. this would be basic adventuring garb. Pyrus would have some flashy wizarding robes, too.
bluecanarykit: a cartoon of me drawing (huh?)
Image hosted by
-drawn Dec. 22, 2005 -
pen & ink
paper size=11x17 (reduded 70% to fit scan bed)

i'll be coloring and framing this one tonight! This features Ken's characters, Gunther (with the swords) and Pyrus. The seem to have been shrunk from their original size! i'm still thinking of what they are going to be saying, but Pyrus is trying to find a counter spell in a spellbook of his that wasn't effected by the spell. being this small makes reading fast a little tougher.


bluecanarykit: a cartoon of me drawing (Default)

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