bluecanarykit: a cartoon of me drawing (Default)
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pen & ink
finished 4-30-2006

this is the last vignette for the collaboration between me and alice. look familiar? like a pencil sketch from earlier...
just a note: i hate how the tree in the background turned out, but oh well. not everything can be perfect.
the deadline on the quilt that we are working on has been moved back & will be entered into a different contest, mostly so she can focus on the one using ken's art. also, because i have only now finished this. mostly becuase i was trying to make it too complex. orignally, amelia and ferdinand would be singing at court, we'd see the king and courtiers in the background. then, i thought about the wilderness, surrounded by her fellow minstrels in the caravan. alice thought i was overthinking it, plus none of the other vignettes has any other people besides amelia and ferd.

the quilt with ken's art is looking great. she has to finish tomorrow so she can get the entry photos postmarked by tomorrow.
go check out her blog to see the progress. i wish i could show it to ken...

alice & i have also been getting ready for cape. i found a 14x17" portfolio so i can bring the current blue canary pages i've worked on.  it just feels strange...to go have a mini-adventure and not be able to tell ken all about it, that i can't call him while i'm gone.

i, myself, am ok to some extent. some days i'm myself again, but i feel guilty when i am. other days, i just seem to mope around. i'm restless and indecisive. i'm so unsure of things that i really can't think too straight. i guess what mostly describes what i'm going through is confusion. i don't know what to do now. i know i'm waking up everyday, doing what i need to, "putting one foot in front of the other," as my mother would say...i just feel a bit lost doing it. *shakes head* it's hard to describe...i can't find the words at times.
most of all, i wish ken was still here with me.

what has been the hardest so far was going to the wedding of my friend, kellie. it's been planned for well over a year i think. i wasn't going to disappoint her, even though i know she would've understood had i stayed at home. everyone, from [personal profile] jocelyncee to kellie's family were always saying how glad they were that i came, with amazement in their eyes that i did come considering...
and yes, i did cry. especially at the rehearsal...i could feel the tears coming on and excused myself so i would distract everyone. i had a feeling that my tears would draw attention away from the bride, which wouldn't be right since it was her day, not mine. kellie's mom found me and gave comfort. she's really sweet.

why did i go? because i just can't hide from things like this. it's going to hurt, so let's just get it over with now or i may not face it at all. i don't want to hide from things all my life. ken wouldn't want me to do that. i know this.
a lot of times it irritates me when folks say, " it would be what he wanted." how do they know? did they ask?
i know of only a few absolutes from knowing and loving him as long as i did: he wouldn't want me to wallow or to give up, on life and on the things that matter to me most.
but man, no one ever said it would be easy. of course, i never expected it to be, either.

i'll prolly have to go through this all again in july when [personal profile] jocelyncee gets married, but i wouldn't miss it for the world, either. i have to face my pain no matter what.
bluecanarykit: a cartoon of me drawing (Default)
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- inked 31 March 2006 -
pen & ink

this is the finished version of this entry's sketch. only one more quilt vignette to go.

alice and i played more with colors for ken's quilt. she even got out the fabric paint and experimented. this will look very good.

taking mom to visit ken's folks today. also meeting with j.t., an old high school friend of ken's who has some ken-related stories for me. alice is coming with.
bluecanarykit: a cartoon of me drawing (Default)
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- drawn 26 March 2006 -
inked 30 March 2006
pen & ink

another vignette for the quilt.
amelia prefers to snuggle near the nightlight than stay in bed.

[profile] girlwithoutfear has a rough on how she'll be doing the celtic knotwork on the quilt with ken's art. go check her reality blog to see...

i'm doing better today. visited with alice some.
was going to visit ken's folks, but they were busy tonight. i'll see them on saturday, though.
*hugs* to all for the thoughts, prayers and stuff. it's helping.
bluecanarykit: a cartoon of me drawing (Default)
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- drawn 29 March 2006 -
pencil on paper

it's not done yet, still have to finish the ship in the background and an island, but for the most part, this is the pirates vignette for the quilt alice ([profile] girlwithoutfear) and i are working on. yes, ferd is an albatross in this scene (i know i'll hear john cleese screaming "albatross!" every time i draw him thus.) why an albatross? because a seagull sounded boring.
ferdinand can change his shape to other types of birds and one other thing...

alice is thinking of doing a border of celtic knotwork for the quilt with ken's art. i think it's appropriate since it's art from in shining armor.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

it's been a strange day-nothing unusual happened, i've just felt odd. i'm not sick, i just haven't felt normal. of course, my friends would say that is to be expected. *shrugs* since i have no idea what to expect anymore, i'm just second guessing myself constantly. it's wearing on me.
one minute, i'm fine. i can lose myself in a book or a dvd, but after...it's like ultra mood swings. i think i understand my mother's bi-polar condition a bit more.

i constantly find stuff that reminds me of ken. yesterday, i couldn't take it. any tom petty song on the radio, seeing chocolate covered expresso beans at the store or even getting fast food will trigger a memory. sometimes i can handle it. it's weird how detached i feel at the moment...i can look at it analytically. tomorrow i may be raging at the world in general. right now, i'm calm. hmmm. maybe some would call it numb. i'm no longer sure.

i am known amoung my friends for being...well, oblivious. introspection does not come easily to me. simple stuff i tend to overlook.
i think i'm searching too hard to figure out what to do next that i'm overlooking obvious stuff. mom keeps reminding me to take it one step at a time. i know she's just trying to help and comfort but sometimes the words sound trite and repeatative. i know mom is not meaning it that way, but ...i dunno.
there's a ken-shaped hole in my heart and in my life. i know i can still talk to him, but i can't converse like i used to. my imagination will take over for his responses, but i know it's just that, my imagination and that's just putting words in his mouth. how could i know he would respond that way?
i wrote him an email yesterday. i know, i'm not expecting any replies, except maybe the email being bounced, but it felt like something i had to do.
i just can't seem to let go.

i'm adrift and i've lost my anchor.
and i just noticed that what i just typed matched the nautical theme in the artwork. oy.
ok, i'm offically tired and going to bed. i just can't think straight.

quilt art

Mar. 26th, 2006 11:25 pm
bluecanarykit: a cartoon of me drawing (huh?)
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-drawn 26 Mar 2006-
pen & ink

i believe that ken would be furious if i gave up drawing out of sorrow and grief. the quilt project with alice continues as planned. that mean's sketches are back up here.
above is one of the vignettes for the quilt.

i drew this tonight at doug & c's house. alice and i had come over to watch movies and just veg.
i find myself sometimes feeling almost like me again-a bit cheery , actually and i feel guilty when i do.
c thought that it's just a normal part of the healing process, that life does go on and that ken wouldn't want me to stay sad.

i realize this, but i still feel guilty. i know that life is about change, you ever go with it or you choose not to, which results in stagnation and death. i just don't know what my future holds anymore. before, i had a pretty good idea.

c said that her mom lost a brother due to a drunk driving accident. he was just a teenager. it's been over 30 years and she still has trouble talking about it on some days. what has happened will always effect me, i just don't know how.

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