pirates ho! - more on the quilt (+ ramblings)

- drawn 29 March 2006 -
pencil on paper

it's not done yet, still have to finish the ship in the background and an island, but for the most part, this is the pirates vignette for the quilt alice (girlwithoutfear) and i are working on. yes, ferd is an albatross in this scene (i know i'll hear john cleese screaming "albatross!" every time i draw him thus.) why an albatross? because a seagull sounded boring.
ferdinand can change his shape to other types of birds and one other thing...

alice is thinking of doing a border of celtic knotwork for the quilt with ken's art. i think it's appropriate since it's art from in shining armor.

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it's been a strange day-nothing unusual happened, i've just felt odd. i'm not sick, i just haven't felt normal. of course, my friends would say that is to be expected. *shrugs* since i have no idea what to expect anymore, i'm just second guessing myself constantly. it's wearing on me.
one minute, i'm fine. i can lose myself in a book or a dvd, but after...it's like ultra mood swings. i think i understand my mother's bi-polar condition a bit more.

i constantly find stuff that reminds me of ken. yesterday, i couldn't take it. any tom petty song on the radio, seeing chocolate covered expresso beans at the store or even getting fast food will trigger a memory. sometimes i can handle it. it's weird how detached i feel at the moment...i can look at it analytically. tomorrow i may be raging at the world in general. right now, i'm calm. hmmm. maybe some would call it numb. i'm no longer sure.

i am known amoung my friends for being...well, oblivious. introspection does not come easily to me. simple stuff i tend to overlook.
i think i'm searching too hard to figure out what to do next that i'm overlooking obvious stuff. mom keeps reminding me to take it one step at a time. i know she's just trying to help and comfort but sometimes the words sound trite and repeatative. i know mom is not meaning it that way, but ...i dunno.
there's a ken-shaped hole in my heart and in my life. i know i can still talk to him, but i can't converse like i used to. my imagination will take over for his responses, but i know it's just that, my imagination and that's just putting words in his mouth. how could i know he would respond that way?
i wrote him an email yesterday. i know, i'm not expecting any replies, except maybe the email being bounced, but it felt like something i had to do.
i just can't seem to let go.

i'm adrift and i've lost my anchor.
and i just noticed that what i just typed matched the nautical theme in the artwork. oy.
ok, i'm offically tired and going to bed. i just can't think straight.